It's THAT year... and I only realized it the other day...

Today. It was the LAST Friday, October 9th, that life was normal.  I've experienced five October 9ths since then, but this is the first time it has fallen on a Friday.  It's funny how these little things spark feelings, emotions, and bring me back to that day.
Today,  6 years ago, was  the last time my OB let a patient schedule a routine 18-week ultrasound late on a Friday afternoon, especially when he wasn't on call that weekend. And our little family had the last Friday night of life as we knew it.
That's all I can write for now,  because it's too close to 4 o'clock...

Remembering...

As I wait for Jillian to drift off to sleep, I have a chance to reflect on the last few days. We attended the annual Candle Lighting Ceremony last night at CHOP, which is held in conjunction with the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting at 7 pm, creating a "wave of light" across the globe.

The opportunity to remember our children who have gone before us is so special, especially since so many of us share the experience of losing a baby.
Tom and I were astounded by the numbers of new names and faces this year, especially of babies.
And when Abigail and Bethany's picture came up,  I couldn't help but think that they must look so different now, so grown up.

A few weeks ago the kids and I watched "Is Heaven for Real?" and it really got me thinking... about what it is like for my girls now that they are with Jesus. And sometimes I even get a little jealous! But then I look at their sweet baby sister sleeping, and I know that God has a LOT of work left for me here on earth!

Speaking of sleep, I'm the only one in the house not sleeping right now, so i better take care of that!

Oh my, it's been awhile

You know it's been a long time since you've blogged when your oldest has lost 6 teeth (and grown four back in) and your youngest is now walking and talking (she was just learning to smile and coo last time I posted).  And her tooth count currently escapes me... maybe 9?

I still struggle with the awkwardness having only two out of my four kids so I say things like my youngest and my oldest... Because they're not my first and second and they're not my only two kids. No matter how much time goes on I still don't feel like one of those moms that can say "and we have two in heaven".  And speaking of those two, it's hard to believe that Abigail and Bethany would be almost 4 years old. I look at their baby sister and see how fast she's growing it reminds me that they would be preschoolers by now!

While I can't speak for anyone else, I know that Jilli reminds me of her sisters. What is completely strange thing to say... There are just things she does that are so different than Tommy. I've always felt that Abby on Bethy had two very distinct personalities, and it honestly feels like Jilli has a little of them both. I know that when I give her extra kisses her sisters know that I'm sharing some with them.

I still believe path of my life will continue to turn because of my daughters. So I continue to try to be patient and obedient to God's will and know that He will open doors in His time (meanwhile I wonder sometimes if the door is open and He's just going to have to shove me out of it).

I have, maybe, finally learned that I am completely and wholly dependent on God. I did not get through the day without Him holding me up and sustaining me. On a good day I'm able to feel His joy and love and share that with others... to love others with the love of Christ. On a bad day I know that I made it through because He carried me.  You'd think I would have learned this lesson when He sustained me through the loss of two children... But somewhere in the pain of grief some lessons get lost or forgotten or just hard to work into your daily life.

While I'm still uncertain where His path may lead me, I feel there's more clarity in following it.  Now, we'll see if I feel the same way tomorrow... You never know when that fog might roll in again!

Growth spurt!

Now 6 weeks old, our beautiful baby girl Jillian is definitely going through another growth spurt!  She has spent a majority of the day eating or sleeping, which is a big change from the long periods of being awake and active that have become her norm.  She's probably also enjoying some peace and quiet since her big brother is visiting grandparents:)
We're all pretty worn out, but loving every minute of it!

Here we go!

In less than 12 hours, we will be welcoming a new baby into our family!  The emotions are extreme... it should prove to be a beautiful day, but not without its mix of painful memories.

Tommy is still very excited about the new baby, but seems a little concerned that this baby may not live.  Despite being a tenacious 5-year-old, he has wisdom of someone 10 times his age!  He has such a good heart.  We talked for a long time about giving our fears to God and immersing ourselves in prayer, because after all it is in His hands after all!  I am so excited that this opportunity will give my son a chance to draw closer to his Lord.

The next post should have some exciting news and pictures - keep us in your prayers!

Big Brother

I'm so happy that Tommy is so excited to be a big brother!  Tonight he sang to the baby.  Poor kid, he can't carry a tune better than either of his parents (or at least his mom...)!

We had an ultrasound yesterday and the baby is already 4 pounds!  I guess I really should finish painting the nursery... it's actually going to be the first full blown decorated nursery we've had.  We moved in when Tommy was 4 months old, and decorating and painting in a brand new house went very slow.... I would still have to say that the house is more "lived in" than decorated, but with all the stuff, who has time to notice?

Please pray for us as we approach some huge life changes when this baby arrives.. we are seriously considering whether or not I should return to work.  Both Tom and I want to do the best we can for our kids, but knowing what's best can be tough!

Wow! It's been forever!

It's crazy to think that it's been 8 months since I've last blogged.  As I've said before, it's not due to a lack of material, but the time to sit down and write.  Before I decided whether or not to post tonight, I read over my first 6 blog posts.  In my mind, I was wondering if they were rambling and nonsensical.  But as I read through them, I was pleased with how well I was able to capture my true feelings and emotions in words.  It made me feel like a "together" human being.

I've not felt all that "together" over the last few months.  I've felt neurotic, disoriented, distracted and overall not myself.  I am now 21 weeks pregnant with our 4th child.  So far, we seem to have a healthy baby.  There's the neurotic part - I can't bring myself to say the baby is fine.  Because I know too much now.  I know how much can still happen.  I know that having lost 2 children does not in any way lower my risk of losing another.  While we know that this is a single pregnancy (we made sure to find out fairly early so that I would at least feel comfortable telling people that I was pregnant), the loss of our girls has opened up the doors of knowledge.  While I want to remain as positive as possible, my sense of realism keeps my excitement about a new member of the family in check.

While it seems our family is busier and busier (Tom and I very often use the term "overwhelmed" in regards to our feelings about everyday life), some great things have been going on.  Of course the new baby, which (despite my concerns shared in the last paragraph) is a source of excitement and joy.  Tommy is very excited about a new baby, and has been so caring and mature about the news.  Early on, he asked if this baby's heart would work so that it could live a really long time.  We told him that we hoped it would and we could all pray for that.  It took a while for it to sink in for him that I was only carrying one baby this time; he asked often about "the babies" in my tummy.  We spent some time helping him to understand that this was a new baby, not his sisters.  Until yesterday, almost every time he referenced the baby he said "she" even though we don't know if it is a boy or girl!  Now that I'm able to feel the baby move, he wants to watch my belly for signs of movement and say hello.  It's very cute.  Today he said he can't wait until the baby is born so he can play "This Little Piggy" with baby's toes!

In late October, I had the my first opportunity to present our family's experiences to a group of professionals.  Tommy played soccer last spring and we ran into a family we knew from Tommy's former daycare center.  We enjoyed seeing each other for a few minutes each Saturday and catching up, and one week the mom mentioned that she was on the committee that put together the annual professional development conference for our state's nurses' association.  She said that one of the tracts was about women's health, and she thought a parent's perspective on perinatal loss would be helpful to nurses.  It was a wonderful experience.  Difficult, heart-wrenching, tear-jerking and painful, but worth every minute to share Abigail and Bethany's legacy.  I barely skimmed the surface in the hour, and there was just a small audience (8 people, I think) but everyone participated, shared, asked questions and left thanking me for sharing such valuable information.

After seeing the recent media attacks on Rick Santorum for how he and his wife dealt with the loss of their son Gabriel (Letters to Gabriel by Karen Santorum is a MUST read!), it is a sad reminder about how few people understand the depth of the pain parents experience in the loss of a baby.  It is unconscionable for anyone to ever judge how a parent deals with their loss.  It really renewed my heart to the opportunity that lies ahead of me to share how many blessings can come forth from so much pain if families and babies are treated in a loving, respectful and honorable way!  I promise I'm off my conservative soap-box now.

As if we aren't busy enough, we now have 6 ewes and a ram, and lambing season starts in just 3 weeks (or sooner, since our first ewe due had twins last year so if she does again then she will probably deliver 5 days early or so).  We will again have our hands full, and the new lambs should be weaned just in time for our new little one to arrive!  I'll take 9-12 weeks of maternity leave, and get back to the working world just in time for the state fair, where Tommy will probably be showing twice as many sheep this year.  What have we gotten ourselves into?  Yes, it keeps us even busier than we need to be, but it is a new chapter in our family that we have enjoyed and has been worth the toil. 

Weaning is hard (I look at the mamas and just want to cry, because I know the pain of being separated from their babies) but what will be even harder is if we lose one.  Unfortunately, the national average for lamb mortality is 14%, so I felt lucky to not lose any last year.  With twice as many ewes, and 3 of them being now a year older (and more likely to have twins), there is that much more of a chance of losing one.  But I feel in more control of this situation than my own pregnancy!  I guess because I can do everything I know how to keep the ewes healthy, be vigilant around due dates to watch for lambing issues, and monitor lambs to make sure they are nursing and healthy.  And if the best I can do isn't good enough and a lamb doesn't make it, it will be difficult but more part of the natural order of things.  Note: that last sentence is subject to change if (and when) we lose our first lamb (or more than one).  Come to think of it, now I sound more like Tom.  He has always found peace in knowing that we did the absolute best for our girls that we could, and that their loss was simply beyond our control.  The control-freak in me still struggles with that... but I guess that's the good part of men and women grieving so differently - we both bring a variety of perspectives to the same experience.

With that thought I will close today's post.  Hopefully it won't be anywhere near as long before I write again, especially since there is so much more that I could still write.