You know it's been a long time since you've blogged when your oldest has lost 6 teeth (and grown four back in) and your youngest is now walking and talking (she was just learning to smile and coo last time I posted). And her tooth count currently escapes me... maybe 9?
I still struggle with the awkwardness having only two out of my four kids so I say things like my youngest and my oldest... Because they're not my first and second and they're not my only two kids. No matter how much time goes on I still don't feel like one of those moms that can say "and we have two in heaven". And speaking of those two, it's hard to believe that Abigail and Bethany would be almost 4 years old. I look at their baby sister and see how fast she's growing it reminds me that they would be preschoolers by now!
While I can't speak for anyone else, I know that Jilli reminds me of her sisters. What is completely strange thing to say... There are just things she does that are so different than Tommy. I've always felt that Abby on Bethy had two very distinct personalities, and it honestly feels like Jilli has a little of them both. I know that when I give her extra kisses her sisters know that I'm sharing some with them.
I still believe path of my life will continue to turn because of my daughters. So I continue to try to be patient and obedient to God's will and know that He will open doors in His time (meanwhile I wonder sometimes if the door is open and He's just going to have to shove me out of it).
I have, maybe, finally learned that I am completely and wholly dependent on God. I did not get through the day without Him holding me up and sustaining me. On a good day I'm able to feel His joy and love and share that with others... to love others with the love of Christ. On a bad day I know that I made it through because He carried me. You'd think I would have learned this lesson when He sustained me through the loss of two children... But somewhere in the pain of grief some lessons get lost or forgotten or just hard to work into your daily life.
While I'm still uncertain where His path may lead me, I feel there's more clarity in following it. Now, we'll see if I feel the same way tomorrow... You never know when that fog might roll in again!
