As I began my adventure in blogging, I was pleased with the positive response I received so far. Of course, I have only given the site name my two best friends so far; one of whom is my sister and the other may as well be. To this day, they are some of the only people who freely talk about my daughters, and it is always welcome (despite what the tears in my eyes may say).
One of the reasons I had the courage and clarity of thought to write my first entry was that I had just spent the evening at a support group. It is so empowering to spend time with people who simply understand... and to escape the day to day stuff that really doesn't matter and talk about what does: our kids. The babies that were with us only a fraction of the time they should have been... Just to sit in the same room with someone and share our experiences is, well, I just can't put it into words.
I'll have to finish this later. Right now I have a 4-year-old who is trying to get me to catch lincoln logs. Not a pretty sight.
Ok, the trains are put away, teeth are brushed, and Daddy is reading him a story.
Some are quick to think, and even say, that having a child at home would soften the blow of losing a baby. Well, I don't know much about losing one baby, but it sure didn't soften the blow of losing two! What I mean to say is that despite the joys of having a child, it does not negate the loss of another. Some days the joy outweighs the sorrow, but some days the frustrations of parenting are a very nasty mix with the pain of grief.
Grief is such as slow process... and it is often buried below the surface of our everyday life. I am so weighed down by anxiety, disorganization, a shorter-than-usual temper, etc (seriously, I could create an entirely separate blog dedicated to the secondary symptoms of grief) that I am very easily overwhelmed. While my girls are not always on my mind like they were in the early days, I still struggle with my life being turned upside down and inside out. Some people understand that I am simply not the person I was before, and never will be again. Others just think I need to get back to reality, learn to laugh, and get on with life. No comment.
There are no easy days... I'm just happy to have a tolerable one.
In memory of my precious daughters, Abigail and Bethany
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Welcome!
Ok, here goes. I still refuse to "facebook" or do anything else social-network-y, but it is time to start getting connected.
First of all, let me explain the name of my blog. “Eternal Blessings” has been running through my mind for a long time; not just because my girls were such a blessing to me, but because of their names. For those of you who don't know, we chose the girls' names by starting with the very first names they had: "A" and "B" (how they label twins in ultrasounds). It may seem silly to some, but exactly 15 months ago I spent 5 hours on an ultrasound table only to end the day by finding out that "A" and "B" share a single heart that will not allow them to live long, so it just stuck with us. Daddy chose Abigail's name, and Mommy chose Bethany's name. We thought they were beautiful, classic names, and were proud to give them to our daughters (as well as each middle names that were their grandmothers' maiden names). It was not until much later that I actually opened the Bible to delve into their names that I found some appropriate connections (though I'm pretty sure that God knew what was going on the whole time... He's tricky like that!)
- Bethany was the site where Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, which alludes to the resurrection and eternal life.... hence the "Eternal" part
- David's words about his Abigail are better than any I could write: "Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me" ... and "Blessings" are definitely what I received from my girls, and I am so thankful that they graced my life with their presence.
Saturday is Abigail and Bethany's birthday. They would have been 1 this year. What a mess this household would have been! I'm still dealing with a lot of anger... it will be their birthday, and they're not here to blow out candles and squish cake between their fingers.
This is our first year to start some traditions. We'll try a few on for size, and see what fits our family best and helps us remember our precious girls in a way that is right for us. On Monday, we'll attend the March for Life in DC. Years when the 22nd falls on a weekend, the march is moved to a weekday.
What, you may ask, does the March for Life have to do with our girls? They were born alive! They lived, they breathed, and God took them in His time (also still not so pleased we couldn't squeak a little more time out... but as Diamond Rio says, "it'd leave me wishing still for one more day"). Back to the march... when I first found out that I was carrying conjoined twins, I sobbed. My cry? "He (my OB) is going to tell me to terminate. I can't do that. I can't kill my babies, no matter how much is wrong with them."
I was blessed to carry twin girls for 3 more months. That night in November when they turned... it was like a scene from Alien (seriously, I think my belly lifted up 3 inches as their heads went past). Or those last few weeks, when they would both get hiccups (of course in an alternating rhythm). I would not give up my time with my daughters for anything in the world.
Those memories, those 3 months, and knowing that I was NOT the one who took my children out of this world... these are the things that have gotten me through. No, it has not been easy. As a matter of fact, just this week has felt like ripping off a scab of a wound that was no where near healed. I had no idea how much was still under the surface.
So, back to the march. We live in a society where prenatal testing and diagnosis has gone to a dark place. Instead of simply ensuring the health of a baby, it is used as a way to determine which kid will make the cut. And the recommendation to abort... or terminate... or induce early.... or interrupt.... a rose by any other name still has thorns. Women are too often told that a pregnancy is futile if their baby has a severe birth defect that is "incompatible with life." Let's think about this one... so, you find out that your baby won't live... so, instead of finding a way to deal with this, to process it, and to make life-altering decisions, we just cut our losses? Like ending a baby's life could actually make the pain of losing a baby any less? Unfortunately, thousands of women regret this decision... whatever the reason for their abortion, it has caused them more pain than it saved them from.
I want to share Abigail and Bethany's legacy. To help others understand that every life is precious, even if it is disabled, deformed, or assured an all-to-early death. And most of all, to help families understand the blessings, both in this life and in our eternal life, of continuing a pregnancy with a fatal diagnosis. While there was nothing I could do to save the lives of either of my daughters, I can make sure that their lives were not in vain, and that they made more impact in their short lives than most people make in their full lives!!!
We have no regrets. We did the best we could for our children. It was out of our hands. The concept that modern medicine is the answer to everything, that it can solve everything, denies that our Lord is in control. By submitting to God's will, I have survived the most painful experience a parent can go through -- twice over.
First of all, let me explain the name of my blog. “Eternal Blessings” has been running through my mind for a long time; not just because my girls were such a blessing to me, but because of their names. For those of you who don't know, we chose the girls' names by starting with the very first names they had: "A" and "B" (how they label twins in ultrasounds). It may seem silly to some, but exactly 15 months ago I spent 5 hours on an ultrasound table only to end the day by finding out that "A" and "B" share a single heart that will not allow them to live long, so it just stuck with us. Daddy chose Abigail's name, and Mommy chose Bethany's name. We thought they were beautiful, classic names, and were proud to give them to our daughters (as well as each middle names that were their grandmothers' maiden names). It was not until much later that I actually opened the Bible to delve into their names that I found some appropriate connections (though I'm pretty sure that God knew what was going on the whole time... He's tricky like that!)
- Bethany was the site where Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, which alludes to the resurrection and eternal life.... hence the "Eternal" part
- David's words about his Abigail are better than any I could write: "Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me" ... and "Blessings" are definitely what I received from my girls, and I am so thankful that they graced my life with their presence.
Saturday is Abigail and Bethany's birthday. They would have been 1 this year. What a mess this household would have been! I'm still dealing with a lot of anger... it will be their birthday, and they're not here to blow out candles and squish cake between their fingers.
This is our first year to start some traditions. We'll try a few on for size, and see what fits our family best and helps us remember our precious girls in a way that is right for us. On Monday, we'll attend the March for Life in DC. Years when the 22nd falls on a weekend, the march is moved to a weekday.
What, you may ask, does the March for Life have to do with our girls? They were born alive! They lived, they breathed, and God took them in His time (also still not so pleased we couldn't squeak a little more time out... but as Diamond Rio says, "it'd leave me wishing still for one more day"). Back to the march... when I first found out that I was carrying conjoined twins, I sobbed. My cry? "He (my OB) is going to tell me to terminate. I can't do that. I can't kill my babies, no matter how much is wrong with them."
I was blessed to carry twin girls for 3 more months. That night in November when they turned... it was like a scene from Alien (seriously, I think my belly lifted up 3 inches as their heads went past). Or those last few weeks, when they would both get hiccups (of course in an alternating rhythm). I would not give up my time with my daughters for anything in the world.
Those memories, those 3 months, and knowing that I was NOT the one who took my children out of this world... these are the things that have gotten me through. No, it has not been easy. As a matter of fact, just this week has felt like ripping off a scab of a wound that was no where near healed. I had no idea how much was still under the surface.
So, back to the march. We live in a society where prenatal testing and diagnosis has gone to a dark place. Instead of simply ensuring the health of a baby, it is used as a way to determine which kid will make the cut. And the recommendation to abort... or terminate... or induce early.... or interrupt.... a rose by any other name still has thorns. Women are too often told that a pregnancy is futile if their baby has a severe birth defect that is "incompatible with life." Let's think about this one... so, you find out that your baby won't live... so, instead of finding a way to deal with this, to process it, and to make life-altering decisions, we just cut our losses? Like ending a baby's life could actually make the pain of losing a baby any less? Unfortunately, thousands of women regret this decision... whatever the reason for their abortion, it has caused them more pain than it saved them from.
I want to share Abigail and Bethany's legacy. To help others understand that every life is precious, even if it is disabled, deformed, or assured an all-to-early death. And most of all, to help families understand the blessings, both in this life and in our eternal life, of continuing a pregnancy with a fatal diagnosis. While there was nothing I could do to save the lives of either of my daughters, I can make sure that their lives were not in vain, and that they made more impact in their short lives than most people make in their full lives!!!
We have no regrets. We did the best we could for our children. It was out of our hands. The concept that modern medicine is the answer to everything, that it can solve everything, denies that our Lord is in control. By submitting to God's will, I have survived the most painful experience a parent can go through -- twice over.
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