No easy days...

As I began my adventure in blogging, I was pleased with the positive response I received so far.  Of course, I have only given the site name my two best friends so far; one of whom is my sister and the other may as well be.  To this day, they are some of the only people who freely talk about my daughters, and it is always welcome (despite what the tears in my eyes may say).

One of the reasons I had the courage and clarity of thought to write my first entry was that I had just spent the evening at a support group.  It is so empowering to spend time with people who simply understand... and to escape the day to day stuff that really doesn't matter and talk about what does: our kids.  The babies that were with us only a fraction of the time they should have been... Just to sit in the same room with someone and share our experiences is, well, I just can't put it into words. 

I'll have to finish this later.  Right now I have a 4-year-old who is trying to get me to catch lincoln logs.  Not a pretty sight.

Ok, the trains are put away, teeth are brushed, and Daddy is reading him a story.

Some are quick to think, and even say, that having a child at home would soften the blow of losing a baby.  Well, I don't know much about losing one baby, but it sure didn't soften the blow of losing two!  What I mean to say is that despite the joys of having a child, it does not negate the loss of another.  Some days the joy outweighs the sorrow, but some days the frustrations of parenting are a very nasty mix with the pain of grief. 

Grief is such as slow process... and it is often buried below the surface of our everyday life.  I am so weighed down by anxiety, disorganization, a shorter-than-usual temper, etc (seriously, I could create an entirely separate blog dedicated to the secondary symptoms of grief) that I am very easily overwhelmed.  While my girls are not always on my mind like they were in the early days, I still struggle with my life being turned upside down and inside out.  Some people understand that I am simply not the person I was before, and never will be again.  Others just think I need to get back to reality, learn to laugh, and get on with life.  No comment.

There are no easy days... I'm just happy to have a tolerable one.